That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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