after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
