i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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