mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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