I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
