dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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