guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I deserve this hangover.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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