Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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