When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
