this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
