apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
