Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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