I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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