I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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