Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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