i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
