Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
