Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
