Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
