Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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