I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no you cant smoke seaweed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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