I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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