he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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