I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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