I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
