when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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