am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
