3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
