Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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