his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
