So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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