My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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