I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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