If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
