Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
