Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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