Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
