I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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