so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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