At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
