He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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