I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
