it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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