turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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