Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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