god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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