she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
