I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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