i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
