the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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